“Can’t you be nicer?” Maddy asked, one eyebrow furrowed and one raised as if she really were asking a question.
Steve knew she was not really asking a question at all. He knew that she was passing judgment on him – as usual.
There was this familiar hollow pit in the center of his stomach because at some level he also knew that his answer would not make sense.
“If you don’t like it, tough,” he said. “This is who I am!”
Maddy turned on her heel and walked out of the room. She was sick and tired of his nastiness. And she, too, knew that her response wasn’t at all helpful. She’d walked out plenty of times to show him that this conversation was going nowhere – and where did it get her?
To exactly the same place. Which is not a helpful one at all.
Steve, meanwhile, got busy in front of the computer. He could get lost there and that was just what he needed at a moment like this because, if he were going to admit it, he was not, as a neighbor of mine used to say, “a happy camper.”
Here’s What Steve Doesn’t Know About Himself
You ready for this?
What he doesn’t know about himself is that he’s wrong: It is not who he is.
It is certainly a behavior that Maddy has seen a lot of and maybe his brother and three sisiters could say the same thing.
Nevertheless, it is not who he is.
Okay, it’s a big part of what shows, but I can share proof that it isn’t the real him: Let’s just ask Maddy –
“Maddy, before you married, did you see something else inside that man? Something that drew you?”
Maddy will say “yes.”
Because she did.
In fact, many people will say, “This is not the person I married!”
Now you will probably challenge me (and rightfully so), “Okay, DrDeb, so where did that other version of Steve go?”
Good question and I’d like to answer it: It went into hiding.
Why Do The Best Parts Of Ourselves Go Into Hiding?
They hide because they’re scared to have their softer side, their vulnerable Self get smacked.
Here’s how it happened to Steve 25 years ago.
Steve and Maddy were only married a number of years when Maddy told him, very casually, that she needed to go to a training for work that would last for 4 days and spouses were not invited.
“I hope you can take care of the kids,” she remarked, with that one quizzical eyebrow raised in a show of doubt.
Steve felt a pang go through him as though he’d been stabbed. He unexpectedly inhaled so loudly that Maddy heard it and started to ask if he was alright.
But she didn’t have a chance because out of his mouth came the first nasty remark he’d ever made to her.
Now it was her turn to catch her breath in shock. She opened her mouth to say something but closed it again, still too shocked to express anything.
What happened to Steve was way outside his conscious awareness. But he was badly triggered. When he was just a youngster, his mother was taken without warning to the hospital. He didn’t know why and no one told him. He was quickly rushed to the care of a sweet, elderly aunt who gave him lots of love – but no answers.
So he didn’t see his mom and he also didn’t see his dad for weeks on end.
When his mother returned home, everyone acted like nothing had happened; Steve was given no explanations so he figured his fright at seeming to lose his mom was a sign of what a baby he was.
He told himself that he would never let himseelf be that baby again.
And then he pushed out of his awareness the experience along with his pledge to himself.
Now, You Might Want To Ask: So Which Is The “Real” Steve?
Although we live in a very secular society, there are a number of distinct therapy methodologies that are quite spiritual. One, in particular, founded by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz, feels highly aligned with how I look at life.
It’s called Internal Family Systems (IFS) and it’s premise is that most of the behavior that others see in us is carried out by parts of us that came about to protect us. The real person, on the other hand, is often hiding behind those protectors.
That real person has many amazing characteristics such as the more well-known “8 C’s” which are clarity, compassion, connection, courage, calm, confidence, curiosity, and creativity. But the real Self is also open-hearted, intutive, playful, loving, and joyous, among other things.
Not only that, the real Self has real leadership potential if only the protectors could step back a bit and trust the Self to actually do that leading.
The reaon the Self can be this leader is because, unlike protectors, Self takes in the Big Picture, listens to all parts, but makes final decisions the way a good parent does in a family: By choosing what will work best for the person and the outer family based on wisdom and perspective.
In contrast, protectors each carry one specific burden and cannot entertain other views. The burdens they carry on our behalf make us feel drained and hopeless. In spite of this weariness, we plug on. So, if any one protector has taken charge of us, then we are driven by that protector’s agenda.
You might say that getting that Self to come out from hiding and winning the trust of the protectors is a big job of therapy from an IFS point of view.
What Will Steve and Maddy Look Like When They Are Self-Led?
*Steve will recognize that his vulnerabilities are his true strength because his core essence is both vulnerable and beautiful. It is also able to handle the twists and turns of life.
*Therefore, he will be able to acknowledge his vulnerabilities to Maddy without fear of judgment. He will come to trust that Maddy, too, has done the work on herself that is needed for her pure and undamaged Self to lead the judgmental part of her and the part that is scared of being too soft and nurturing.
*Steve and Maddy will both have discovered the childhood origins of the parts that have often overtaken and covered up their true Selves and they will have listened intently to the hurts of those child parts of themselves – and of each other. This healing experince will help them both relax more and be far less triggered.
*When they are triggered, they can sooth those inner children within themselves and within each other so that they no longer react from the worries of their protectors.
Steve will know, deep in his gut that Maddy is simply going away for work; she’s not abandoning him. He will neither be angry at her nor at his mother. He will soothe the little boy inside if he should feel a twinge when triggered.
Maddy will not make announcements that could injure the people in her life in a way that is a bit too abrupt. She might, for example, smile and gently brush Steve’s shoulder as she mentions her need to go away.
Having been through the reparative process together in therapy, they will have a closer bond than ever and as they look at each other, their exchange of glances will remind each of them of that closness.
