Hey, don’t just take my word for it!
Let’s see what my colleagues around the web are advising you on the topic “marriage tips.”
1. Marriage Max http://www.marriagemax.com/tip.asp
Mort Fertel is not a marriage counselor — and he’s proud of it. He considers himself an alternative because he doesn’t care for the advice that counselors give to unhappy individuals that encourages the breakup of their marriage.
I don’t blame him. His point is right on target.
What’s more, his advice is sound. His tips change from time to time so you may not find the same one that I found.
But the one I found asks the question: If you’re sick and tired of your spouse’s cheating, drinking, neglect, using drugs, or some other terrible habit, should you declare an ultimatum?
Fertel says “No” because it won’t help. It will just cause you to feel a momentary feeling of power. What you have not done is give your spouse a reason to care about your ultimatum.
What he (or she) will care about, however, is if you are connected to him. This presents its own problem because if he is disconnected from you, chances are you don’t have better tools than he does to be connected. You both found someone like yourselves –who is disconnected.
Just to put in my own 2 cents, the above scenario is certainly possible. Others are also possible.
It can be that in the beginning, one person is a connector and is attracted to another because she (let’s say) admires that ability in the other to be able to be alone. The solitary person in turn admires the connector. Later, the thing that seemed so attractive — the thing that is different from you — could get on your nerves. So many scenarios are possible.
In addition, I’ve had people come to me after their spouse carried out the ultimatum and now they realize how they messed up and they want to fix the problem. To them, I don’t say, “What took you so long?”, I say, “Let’s try together to fix the problem.” Sometimes that will work, too. The one who left feels finally heard and is willing to forgive provided real changes are made.
A third possibility is that the disconnected spouse is terrified of connection. This person will not respond well to attempts at connection.
With the exception of these three instances, Fertel’s advice is sound and of interest.
Now, if you and your partner DO want to be connected and are not afraid of intimacy, then you’ve also got to take a look at the next selection . . .
2. The Happy Wives Club http://www.happywivesclub.com/this-marriage-tip-changes-everything/
I love this site. Written by Fawn Weaver, who proudly proclaims herself a Happy Wife, she shares with you her intuition and advice for how to be a happy wife.
I imagine seeing advice from happy people can make you a little sad if you aren’t happy yourself, but on the other hand, there is so much to learn from people who are “there” that it seems like a great place to visit.
It’s also good to know that it IS possible to be happy. People shouldn’t think that everyone is miserable.
The article I’ve linked to talks about a piece of advice that any therapist will agree with and I am really so happy for Mrs. Weaver that she and the 750,000 members of her club have found it. It is the one key to never arguing — which is her claim to fame: Be real. Be willing to share your most vulnerable emotions.
She realized (lucky lady) that anger is not “real.” It’s a cover emotion for the vulnerable ones — sadness, fear, pain, hurt, rejection, disappointment, insecurity. And if you and your spouse are willing to be who you are, vulnerabilities and all, at any moment, you will never have a reason to argue.
Go read her article.
3. Want to make your marriage last? Take the advice of people who end them. http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/marriage-tips-from-divorce-lawyers?slide=1
I could not resist this page. It’s written by divorce lawyers! It is directed to MEN because these attorneys only defend men. Men — are you with me, here?
(1) “Realize you can lose her.” In other words, do not ever take your wife for granted.
(2) Keep doing whatever you did to win her. Their logic is sound: If you stop doing the little things, she’ll think your feelings stopped, too.
(3) Keep the sex going!
(4) Keep up the conversation. They point out that men don’t like to talk much — but women do. So make that effort to talk about your day and listen to her talk about hers.
(5) Don’t expect your wife to be perfect. She never was. See her as a real person — and appreciate her for who she is.
(6) Anticipate rough patches. The point of pain is to grow through it, not to throw away the marriage.
(7) read Fawn Weaver’s page again — because it is saying the same thing as the attorneys say here: “Be open with your feelings of hurt and anger—but don’t point fingers or hurl insults. Try to forgive and move forward.”
You may or may not have read in the About section of this site that I am a contributor to GoodTherapy.org, a high-quality site for licensed therapists who want to write – but each article has to be editorially reviewed. So the next one should be worthwhile . . .
4. from the Good Therapy blog http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/3-marriage-tips-every-newlywed-should-know-0910145
This article written by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky has the following 3 tips:
(1) “Be available to each other.” This is, of course, just what (3) and (4) from the Divorce Lawyers is saying.
(2) Feel loving. Now this sounds impossible, doesn’t it? But it makes perfect sense. Focus on what you love about the other person and the gratitude you feel for his/her presence in your life. That will keep your loving feelings in the “on” position.
(3) Keep problems private. Well, that is certainly true, but we would want more, like, how? But, okay, it’s a nice article.
5. from the Stay Married blog. http://staymarriedblog.com/10-things-i-wish-i-knew-before-i-got-divorced/
The article is written by a woman who divorced, Lindsay Heller, and seems to have learned some things — important things — from the experience.
You may be surprised at what she says . . .
“We were expecting each other to fulfill all of our individual needs without considering any of each other’s.”
That is powerful.
Here’s another thought about taking responsibility for her own part in things:
“Perhaps it was the walls I had built that didn’t allow him the chance to come in or to see me at all.”
When they finally stood in front of a judge who asked them if the marriage was irretrievably broken, they both said “Yes” together and the writer thought: “They really should make you stand in front of all the same people you did at the wedding to answer that.”
From this place, the author does a lot of soul searching to come up with 10 suggestions when looking for a prospective partner:
(1) “Be with someone who respects you and others and lives with integrity.” In other words, as she puts it, “prioritize character.”
(2) Don’t expect to change the other person.
(3) Have a support system — not to back you up but to be honest with you if you need to correct your behavior.
(4) “Learn to see yourself from your partner’s perspective.” — Wow. I am impressed with what she has learned.
(5) “Strive for personal wholeness and self-sufficiency.” (This is the core of Murray Bowen’s theory of interdependence. To connect, you first have to be whole.)
(6) Define what you want in your future spouse and also what is not negotiable.
(7) “Honor your truth and trust your gut, which can be a trustworthy combination of head and heart. If something feels off, explore it, don’t ignore it.” This gets back to the last point, that you want to avoid being co-dependent.
(8) “Be your partner’s number 1 fan and supporter.”
(9) Do therapy. Her feeling is that marriage needs work and therapy should be included in that because that work is still better than being alone.
(10) Be transparent, vulnerable. There it is again. We’ve now heard it several times.