No matter what ails your marriage, it is fixable. Why do I say that? – Because with the right tools we can allow our true Selves to be who everyone sees rather than a person hiding behind defenses.
How?
The right tools that help our true Selves shine are based on healing the traumas that created our defenses and coping strategies in the first place. The tools I love to use are culled from Internal Family Systems.
What does this mean for your marriage?
It means our true Selves are unafraid to be vulnerable with each other. And that is what melts hearts.
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I was struck by two things….firstly..you seem to understand my husband so easily. Not an easy feat for me these days. But we soldier on (Its not a grim situation at all) and I thank you for equipping me with some amazing insights.
Secondly, that article is from 2011 and its still prompting a response from people. People still resonate with it..people still randomly ask for help from you even though you are a stranger..and its this second thing I needed to write to you about. It just overwhelms me to see how people hurt so much and go through so much..but I needed to thank you for the work you do. Just being there means people have someone to tell ,..and there is some solace at t imes in just telling someone even if they cant help you. Ive not heard of you till today and unless you find yourself trudging through our little blink-and-you-miss-it village in England, you and I probably won’t meet but I wanted to say thank you so much Doctor for the work you do. The help you have been ..the ear to listen. Its a profession I suppose..but you went and did it and you are there.
I read those comments and I want to cry .I feel so badly for people hurting in relationships but that doesn’t help anyone . What you do does help.
I wish you every success and I hope you never feel worn down by it. It matters so much and for everyone you have been there for and have helped…whether they had to pay for therapy or not the point is you were there and you have made a difference.
Thank you for writing. Please don’t stop.
Sometimes I see my old habits in others and feel empathy and compassion – and wish they had the advantages of a hundred or so sessions with Dr. Deb.
Thanks so much for your help. Our time together was an investment worth more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I believe that I owe my life to your help – certainly, I didn’t realize that I could be this happy again.
This was the first time I’ve seen these concepts explained so well and succinctly.
Anyway… I was concerned the book was more expensive than it was worth…but it has been worth it…I’m feeling more confident that I can change the way I’m behaving towards my kids… I grew up in a “yelling” house with little praise, moderate criticism (authoritative/parochial upbringing). I had started off being the kind of parent I wanted to be until the marriage was too stressed.
Your book is helping me develop tools to bring peace to my kids and show them the love that got buried in all the adult problems.