verbal abuse

“Boy, your last post must have been about me,” someone said. “For me, as soon as we’re in an argument, it’s all about winning at any cost. I can be sarcastic, do the put-downs, yell, whatever it takes to win. And you know what? I don’t want to be that person any more. What can I do?”

I assured this individual that I’ve met so many, many people with this same complaint that I could not possibly have had just one of them in mind.

Last post, called, “Defining ‘Normal’: Caroline’s Screaming; Phil is Jealous – Who is Crazy?” told Caroline’s story. She was falsely accused, attacked, actually, and awakened in the middle of the night or more “discussions” until she finally lost it. I contended that under such circumstances, her behavior was not at all crazy, but normal.

8 – “You S.O.B”

This is overt name-calling. There’s no other label to pin on it but verbal abuse. And there is never any excuse for it no matter how frustrated you are and no matter how badly abused you have been by the person you’re giving it back to.

9 – “Nobody would want you”

4 – “What you accused me of is dumb.”

This is much worse than #1 because it is an overt statement, not implicit, but explicit that the person you’re speaking to is dumb. Don’t use pejorative language on your loved ones! Although you did not say the person is dumb, her thinking process had to be dumb. That’s a put-down.

5 – “You don’t know what you’re talking about”

There was a humorous article in the newspaper about how a person manages to secure table reservations at restaurants when the hostess has been telling other people that there will be nothing available for three weeks.

The gentleman in question says, “I want a reservation, please, for two people, tomorrow at 8.” (WSJ, 12/7/2011, Gardner). The speaker pointed out that normally you would say, “I would like.” His version, “I want,” is more forceful, maybe even rude, so he then tempers it with the “please.”

I was delighted: more feedback! I love opening emails from people or seeing blog comments; I like that sense of conversation. When people post, I know I’m not talking to myself.

Imagine my surprise in reading a comment that I shouldn’t have said in a recent newsletter, “Let me know your thoughts.” Instead, I ought to have said, “Please.” And he or she was right.

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION from the Florida Jewish Journal

“Boy, what he did to me infuriates me,” Jack told me as his face turned red. “No, that isn’t enough,” he went on, “I want to do him one better. He deserves it. Getting even isn’t good enough for him.”

What’s your reaction when someone tells you, “You hurt my feelings”?

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION from the Florida Jewish Journal, p. 14

“It’s your fault!” Robbie screamed. “Do you understand what you did? Do you understand what a terrible loss this means?” His screams filled the air with a sick, heaviness, a light and bright afternoon immediately transformed. Sarah felt weak at the knees, unable to breathe. And for what?