Your marriage is in tatters. You cry nearly every day. Or you are just about ready to have an affair. You cannot stand it anymore. Your husband ignores everything and nothing works: Being nice, not being nice, being a listener, not being a listener, nagging, not nagging. And you are sick of reducing yourself to HIS level, being just as bad as he is. That’s not you! And you do not know what other choices there are.
What they really need is a 2 X 4! Well, I mean the verbal equivalent.
Actually, I don’t.
I would never want to encourage you to be abusive in retaliation. That is the LAST thing you should do.
So by 2 X 4 what I REALLY mean is something powerful. Something that will make your spouse stand up and take notice. But by powerful, I DO NOT mean to dish it back.
a) That doesn’t work; it just escalates things.
b) It is really a sign of weakness, not power.
Real Power is being able to get someone to do what you want without hardly saying or doing anything.
Let me give you a fantastic example of that kind of power: My father (May he rest in peace). In my whole life til he passed away (I was 27), my father never raised his voice. Not one time. He did not yell. I don’t remember him being angry at me more than once.
But he had power over me. Whoa.
You know why? Because we had a relationship.
Real Power Comes from The Relationship
I adored him and wanted to please him. He was a wonderful, sweet, loving dad. So I didn’t want to lose that beautiful connection. That was so important to me. If I displeased him, he would usually talk to me about how “disappointed” he was and I was so disappointed in myself!
You see where I’m going? Power comes from love. You have power over another person only when they either fear you or love you. Which would you rather have? So that’s what I mean by the 2 X 4. But wait! You aren’t even sure you love this guy any more.
Well, I’m not talking about loving him. I’ve got something else in mind . . .
So the real verbal equivalent of the 2 X 4 that you “hit” them with can never (or should never) be a verbal assault even if they have done that to you. It’s really a sign of weakness, not power.
Do you know why?
Because it is saying that you need to take out the nukes to get heard. Actually, you maybe have taken out the nukes and still haven’t been heard. It shows that you are lacking power because you needed so much.
And by the way, if your hubby has yelled or been abusive, it says the same thing about him. Sure, when a man is angry, threatening, demeaning, or cold, it does serve to control you — to some extent. But as you very well know, it does a lousy job. What it really does is:
- –drive people away
- –make them want to retaliate
- –make people hate the person doing it or at least be very confused about the relationship
You do not want to sink to his level if that’s what he’s been doing. It’s no good. It does not lead to love and a decent relationship.
So let’s just leave that whole approach by the side of the road. I’m talking about a power that first of all comes from loving YOURSELF.
The Key Is Loving Yourself
Let me explain.
Before I go further, it goes without saying, but maybe I should say it: Self love is not narcissism or selfishness or ego. Those actually are signs of an underdeveloped person.
So in the balance of power between a man and a woman, a key thing that is exciting to a man and keeps his interest is a little bit of challenge. I don’t mean a tug of war over who picks up the kids or who has to help fill out the college applications. I mean the intellectual/mental challenge of a woman who is her own person.
Maybe you can see where I’m going, here. A woman like that is the opposite of needy. Neediness can be attractive for a man with very low self-esteem. He needs to feel more together than someone else so he latches on to a needy woman.
Then it starts to bother him because, after all, he does not have the resources to fill her needs. He can’t even fill his own. In fact, he wishes she would fill his. Well, she can’t because she is needy. So he is utterly turned off.
This needy woman needs self-love! Of course, all the years of being put down (because she was needy) have deprived her of every drop of it. So she clearly needs to learn how to get it, ingest it, make it her own.
Even if she were not needy to begin with, abusive treatment would lead her to doubt herself. She needs self-love. There is an important reason why self-love is that powerful. Please go here to sign up for a free gift that explains this quickly and easily — and takes you on to winning back your husband in a healthy, wholesome way.