How is it possible to love someone you never met, never saw, and know nothing about? It happens every day to hundreds of thousands of people. Just ask a pregnant woman how she feels about her unborn baby.
Even more strange is how is it possible for a couple who is adopting a child they did not know to love that child? But they do.
Why do grandparents fall madly in love with babies that they did not carry for nine months and do not get up to feed in the middle of the night?
All the answers are the same: Beyond being a feeling, love is a decision.
And just what are you deciding about when you decide to love that baby? Obviously, you are not governing your feelings by the loudness of the crying, the night’s sleep lost, the colic or the colds.
Actually, some people are governed that way. They don’t react well to their babies’ cries; they take it out on the children and are called abusers.
Which proves my point even more: You can focus on the good or focus on the bad. The choice is yours and the feeling follows.
Take that and apply it to any close family member. Do you focus on the things that annoy you or the things that charm you? There are pitfalls and positives with both.
Pitfalls of Focusing On The Good
You would think that we ought to always focus on the good. That’s what giving the benefit of the doubt means. And that is absolutely correct. What’s more, we should overlook the injury our friend does and assume it wasn’t meant badly.
Up to a point.
How many times do your feelings get hurt by someone who apologizes and then does it again? How often do you “overlook” that behavior? Should you overlook it? If so, how do you reconcile it with giving the benefit of the doubt?
To answer this question, imagine a scale. There is your responsibility on one side and your relative’s responsibility on the other. Who is taking more of the responsibility for the happiness of the relationship?
Note that happiness is an emotional component of the relationship and has nothing to do with who cleans more, does more carpool or earns more money. That’s physical. That component is important and should be appreciated and respected but doing well in that area doesn’t make up for losses in the other.
If the emotional scale in your house is unbalanced, there is a way to fix that. It requires honesty — honesty with yourself.
You see, overlooking the bad works if you know exactly what you are doing, why you are doing it and are happy with it. But if you have put yourself into denial because you are afraid to face the consequences of not doing so, then you are cheating yourself of the life of joy that is possible for all of us.
Situation #1: Grandma Silvia Is Happy To Overlook
Silvia DeLaurent is blessed with a large, busy family spread over the city. She has children and their spouses who work hard, are responsible and loving. One of her children doesn’t invite her for dinner as much as the others. She is not in denial. She is completely aware of it but she doesn’t mind at all.
She realizes this family has more on its plate with fewer resources to cope and therefore cannot jump in with the same enthusiasm as the others. Not only does she give the benefit of the doubt, but she is happy with the outcome and prays that this particular family overcomes its challenges with good grace, strength and happiness.
Situation #2: Robert is in Denial Much To His Detriment
Robert’s wife, Channing, is not happy but she can’t come out and say so. She knows that Robert is a wonderful person, works hard, means well, and tries to do the right thing. Nevertheless, their relationship feels shallow, distant, and boring to her.
She is at a loss as to how to broach anything to him. She doesn’t bother and instead goes shopping. She runs up a huge bill over and over again. Those few hours out of the house in fantasy-land give her relief from her unhappiness.
But Robert does not want to read the signals. He pretends that everything is fine, that Channing is happy — which she is not — and doesn’t bring up the overspending that they can’t afford. Finally, he blows up; Channing says she is sorry; Robert lets it go; and it starts over later.
This is such a common scenario, it’s amazing. We can substitute all kinds of deviant behavior for the shopping but whatever choice of distraction and escape people choose, the denial and refusal to confront the underlying problem is rampant in families.
In this marriage, neither Channing nor Robert is taking responsibility for the happiness of the relationship. Robert thinks he is; Channing knows she’s not.
Situation #3: Channing Takes Responsibility
Channing decides to seek help when she learns that her children will be barred from school the following year due to the unpaid tuition that has accumulated. This is both responsible and very brave. It is always hard to face one’s own failings and mistakes.
In therapy, she confronts her fears of telling Robert the pain she is always escaping with her shopping. When she was six, her father died suddenly of a heart attack. The loss was devastating to the family and Channing is slowly able to realize that the fear of loss once again underlies her making any complaints to Robert.
In a slow process of gaining strength and trust in the goodness of the life she was given, Channing is eventually able to bring Robert into therapy to explain to him the source of her pain in their relationship. Now it is Robert’s turn to face his own unwillingness to look deeper than the spending problem to the relationship problem.
The Takeaway
The only condition under which overlooking unbalances in the emotional give-and-take of a relationship is okay is when you are not in denial about what is going on and you are perfectly happy with it.
Forgiving abuse, addictions, and neglect is never right — unless the transgressor takes complete responsibility. That is, the transgressor recognizes what she or he did wrong, makes mental plans to never do it again, and then apologizes from the heart. Without the transgressor taking responsibility, all the hurt party is doing is remaining in denial. And that is no good.
When to Focus on The Good
On the other hand, it is right and correct to force your attention away from “the bad” and focus on the good when the things that bother you are not offenses but just due to differences in style.
Does your spouse forget to pick up your dry cleaning sometimes? Does your partner leave crumbs on the table? Are the dishes in the sink too long for you? Is your partner late for dinner invitations? Does she or he come to bed way after you are asleep?
These are regular annoyances. They are not offenses. They are not transgressions. They represent basic human imperfection. We can’t get rid of imperfections. What’s more it is up to the individual himself to work on those — provided he thinks it is worth the effort. It is not up to us to be the judge of our family member and those imperfections.
When an objective outsider could call the right and wrong stances either way, it is clearly just a case of different styles rather than inconsideration or callousness. For example, while it would seem preferable to wash the dishes right away because they could be disgusting, an argument could be made that to do them with some enthusiasm, a person might need to take time for himself first.
Sometimes it’s hard to know when the bothersome thing is a normal human flaw and when it represents a true lack of love — or worse.
But one thing we can for sure notice about ourselves: Our feelings follow our focus. When we focus on what bothers us, we don’t feel very loving. When we focus on what we enjoy, admire, and cherish about our significant other, we feel deep love.
And when we choose what to focus on, we’re making a decision. That’s love.