In the previous post, Small Lies Are Emotional Abuse, I described the devastation to the psyche when someone twists around who you think you are. It is emotional abuse; it is mental abuse, and the fact that the process is subtle makes it more, not less, devastating.
Why would someone need to do this? Why would someone be so attached to a distortion like this? I can think of two similar possibilities:
Strong Belief In a False “Reality” Creates [False] Security
1. This individual grew up in a home where reality was distorted. He or she didn’t have outside sources of information to figure out how the world sees things. When I was researching my dissertation, someone said that he grew up in a home without a dining room table. The family watched TV at dinnertime, sitting on chairs facing the set. He thought that was how everyone did it.
2. This individual grew up in a home where there was very little conversation about feelings or perspectives of others so there was no way to get outside opinions on whether his perspectives were on target.
In either case, the person must figure out how the world works without much help from those who’ve been there. That’s a scary place. Tiptoeing on a tightrope, the person feels very insecure. What can give him or her some sense of security? – clinging tenaciously to his ideas! The very act of shedding doubt creates the desired security. This, by the way, explains why people with paranoia cling to their mistaken realities; it also explains suicide bombers and other people on the fringes of reality.
When you come across a person who won’t see another person’s position, that’s an insecure individual.
Dealing with such a person is fraught with frustration. As soon as you contradict the individual with the crazy belief system, his or her (I’ll switch his and her going forward) defenses go up. Remember, this person needs to be convinced of his brand of reality in order to know which end is up. The fact that, in the process, you now have become confused and uncertain is not his problem. In fact, because he had limited reality checking growing up, he is not even aware that he has totally upended your sense of clarity. He lacks the empathy to be able to do so.
Here’s the interesting and equally challenging part: This person may be in other areas very nice. She wants your best. She believes she’s telling you a truth you need to hear. The world may see her as charming and kind because she has picked up enough to see what is “done” some of the time. This, in fact, describes Ted Bundy, a serial killer who worked at a Seattle suicide hot line crisis center and whose co-workers saw him only as “kind, solicitous, and empathetic”*
So what do you do if your spouse tells you these horrible “truths” and yet is nice at other times? Does the nice part mean the twisted part isn’t twisted and you were wrong all the time? Does the twisting of truth mean the person isn’t really nice? How do you handle it?
Here are the steps I would suggest:
1. Do some reality testing.
In order to know what a more objective person would say about your reality, it would help to talk to others. However, don’t just go to friends who will support you. You can go to forums online or blogs (such as this one) and post a question for other readers to answer. There are many blogs that deal with relationships out there. You can also speak to a clergy-person or a therapist. It would not hurt to ask your spouse’s family for their input. Often, the “other side” is surprisingly sympathetic to the child-in-law.
2. Reaffirm yourself.
Part of the problem is that your sense of self-worth has been totally eroded. This needs to be restored, regardless of the truth that has or hasn’t been twisted. Here’s what I mean: If you were, let’s say, a biochemist, but not particularly apt at piano, and your parents gave you piano lessons but you just didn’t take to it, then, if your partner said you weren’t particularly good, your reaction should be, “Yeah, you can say that!” It wouldn’t or shouldn’t bother you. When in the days I was building up my therapy practice, it didn’t take off and my husband asked why not, I said I just wasn’t a great entrepreneur. I didn’t take it personally because it’s not the part of myself I valued.
The woman in the scenario needs to repeat affirmations that are true. If several people say she’s pretty, then she’s pretty. Period. If they say she’s smart, she’s smart. She needs to remind herself of these – and other – truths in her life every day, many times a day. Only then will she build up support within herself for who she really is. Every person should have a list of self-truths that no one can shatter.
3. Have “the talk.”
The partner in this scenario needs to be told that no matter how much he is hurting or feels under attack, in no way is he permitted to attack back. If he claims that’s just not fair, “the talk” includes the following statement – and this is critical – “In all our years together, have I ever willfully hurt you?” Of course, the answer is “no.” Then you follow by saying, “Any time you think I’m attacking, that’s just not correct. I would never do that. You must stop yourself from attacking back. Later, when you’re calm, you can ask me what I meant because it felt like an attack and then we can talk about it.”
Of all the things I’ve written, this above concept is key to turning your marriage around for many, many people. It seems simple, but it’s huge. Let me know how it goes.
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* see Ann Rule’s book, The Stranger Beside Me, and the Wikipedia entry on Ted Bundy, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Bundy
I am with one as an example I bought a new bath mat. He slipped and blamed it on the mat, the mat had not moved.
I understand that ….. blaming the partner is normal to them…
My partner said i found a remote control that was missing last night. I did not. I assumed he had after I went to bed. It was on the table this morning. He then accused me of making him crazy when I categorically said i honestly didnt find it
Is that gaslighting or poor memory that is he had found it and forgot
This may sound trivial but I feel something is wrong. He twists things and wont let me speak. Then after months I explode he says my behaviour not normal Maybe i am crazy
Yes, it sounds like gaslighting or he/she’s on drugs or has suffered a head injury or some other medical condition. But these are not excuses to blast you. If this has always been going on, then you are needlessly suffering. On the other hand, if it is new, consider having a neuropsych eval for your partner.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE A VICTIM OF A GASLIGHTER.
You are not crazy. That is emotional abuse at it’s finest. They make you think you lost it, then he finds it and accuses you of putting it on the table. Don’t doubt yourself. And ask yourself if your really willing to live your life this way. Because it will keep happening. I lived this for 9 years and when he left, I was a mess. Took 3 years of counseling to figure it all out.
Shelly is right — but only AFTER the man has been to quality therapy and will not work on himself. Many abusive men have written to thank me for opening up their eyes to what they were doing. They didn’t want to be like that! With hard work, they changed and appreciate it deeply.
What to do I think I’m being gaslighted it’s destroying me and don’t know what to do everything is always my fault when I try to tell her my feelings changes the subject. Talks in riddles and I’m suppose to understand, won’t tell me exactly what’ I’ve done I’m just wrong if she can’t get ahold of me in5min she cracks it but I ask for the same communication it’s not there and I’m suppose to suck it up..
Marshall, when you tell me that if she can’t get ahold of you in 5 min, it’s like the end of the world — she cracks it — I’m thinking she must be needy and insecure. So that means she wants lots more from you than is reasonably possible for you to give. It seems to me the best thing you two can do is get into therapy with a qualified couples therapist. She needs to learn what, exactly she needs and wants and how to express that in a healthy way.
I’m hoping I can submit a comment without having to “register” … I just moved in with a guy (my friend from college for the past 10 years) and his brother (I pay no rent; I clean in exchange…). We’re all 50+ yo. My friend is gaslighting me and I don’t know how to combat it. Like the bathmat example above: when I do something different in the house, a bathmat, a rug, move the cleaners from the counter to the shelf, etc 1) my friend (i think) intentionally hurts himself, then 2) blames “someone” for the change; I’ll come running in to see what happened, hear his complaint, admit that I made the change, then he says it was a terrific idea, thank you for all your work and makes nice-nice; Whenever I try to point out that he was upset a moment ago, or that it upset me that he “blamed” me, he (again, like Marshall’s example above) changes the subject like nothing had occurred. Examples of this behaviour can occur about 15 times in the space of one hour … I’m frustrated and don’t have the tools to combat this …
It seems he doesn’t like changes but doesn’t want to blame you either. If he is only a friend, what do you care what he thinks? I’d suggest don’t move things around and let it go.
You didn’t state if he was in a relationship previously.Its possible to gaslight with objects.Gaslighters love that one.The more passive aggressive the more that method is used.
If that isn’t the case he may just have memorized the outline of where everything is.Did he ever live with some one who rearranged the furniture other items constantly many times unnecessarily?Couple of my friends have suffered the same attitude your friend seems to and this is what caused it.Asking him might at least give some insight to his behavior
My boyfriend continually changes my perceptions of reality. Today, we had to go to work early in the morning and we were leaving from his place. I had started applying makeup when he started hurrying me, so I quickly drew one line of Kohl across an eye and rushed out. When I got my bag and said we could leave, he kept telling me I had gotten him late. He said I had taken 7 minutes when I know I had taken under a minute! He kept arguing with me all through the car ride to work, saying how I was wrong, that he had clocked me and that I should have been considerate. When I tried to argue back he said he had no time for this, dropped me at my workplace and left. I am so confused. Why does he keep needing power? How do I deal with this?
Your boyfriend’s behavior is based on the dynamics of his family of origin. Parents who allow themselves to change their minds when their children argue with them are actually teaching their children to argue and need to be right! This is one possibility. There are many variations on this theme that could be causing his behavior. The point is that it is not you. Now, what you need to do about it is 2 things: 1. don’t argue; it’s pointless. 2. Tell him that you don’t wish to be mistreated, that you meant well, you tried hard and you don’t appreciate his lack of appreciation for what you did. Tell him you want a peaceful relationship. If he doesn’t know how, then go to counseling! BTW, keep your eye out for my new free web class coming up.
Why are you still with him !
My husband is like that. He grew up poor, his mother died when he was 7 and where he comes from feelings is something a man is not supposed to show. We been married 2 years. He always tell white lies, and never chooses an activity or makes a plan, but he do complain alot of my ideas after handing me all the responcibility. When he is angry he will call me crazy,that im lazy, tell me im cheating and sometimes say he wants “peace” from me and that i should shoot myself. 5 minutes later he will claim he never said that and that i just got him wrong, and in the few cases where he admitds guilt,he just throws out a sulky “sorry” and says whats said is said and to forget it. Sometimes he is the same sweet and romantic soulmate i married.. I really dont know how to handle this, i dont believe in just divorcing and running from my problems, and i really do love him. I also give him alot of slack because im borderline and have struggled to controll it all my life, and just started to really succeeding the last year.. any tips?
Hi Tina. To be honest, life can be very challenging and what you’ve described is no exception. That is why there are therapists. I don’t think couples should have to go it alone. You may be borderline, but your husband also has some “issues.” The most important tip is to get good, high-quality therapy. There is an ethical requirement for therapists to see some of the people who request help at a discounted price. Churches and Y’s also often have counseling. Please check these out.
I really dont know where to begin, as i know this is happening to me, but i dont know how to live with it. i love this person, but hate so much what is happening and seems to continually getting worse. We dont touch, we dont talk, we dont love. i am his punching bag, and if i comment, i am insulted and made to feel as if i dont know what i am talking about, or that for some reason its probobly my fault. i cant win no matter what i say, no matter what i do. i feel stuck, everything i have worked for, for him.. given up in my life, including friends, family and relationships with anyone i love or have contact with, is controlled. I am so down on myself right now, and funny thing is, i do such a good job being a strong person around anyone else. i dont know how to combat this anymore, i have recently learned of the narcissist gas-lighting, and its so my life, but how can i make this work?
There is the story of flying in a plane and when you’re traveling with a child and the oxygen comes down, who do you put it on first, yourself or the child? The answer is: Yourself. You can’t “make it work.” All you can do is treat yourself properly. If it is meant to work, it will. By treating yourself properly, it seems to me you need to tell your bf to get into therapy immediately because he’s being abusive. Done. If you can’t seem to do that, then that means you are needy — and then you need the therapy to build up your inner strength and self-love.
Much of this rings try about my relationship with my husband. I don’t know what to do, as we have a young boy and I am witnessing our relationship being completely destroyed by this. We had always been so in love and for the most part “happy” although he on and off struggled with identifying somethings that were making him feel “trapped.” This resulted in several bouts of untreated depression, until he would “come out of it.” We had our son two years ago and things have shifted in a slow but intense downward progression, leaving us unable to connect and feelings of isolation and loneliness. We have been seeing a counselor for a little over a year and while some things have slightly improved on surface, he has never been able to fully address the reason for me wanting to seek counseling: his lying. He lies about things that will ultimately be found out, small thing and big things. Things I could care less about and things that really matter. I hadn’t realized that it was gaslighting until my/our therapist named it in a 1:1 session. He comes from a messed up family of origin where all he knew were lies growing up. I kept using this as my excuse for him, but now it is deeply affecting me. When I approach him about something that feels intuitively off, he continues with the lie and then changes the subject and makes it about something I did wrong that is unrelated. I then can’t easily bring the conversation back around. If I do, he then tells me the lie again and puts the blame on me for something he is upset with me about. I am the bad guy and bring us down so to speak. After so many fights about one thing in particular he lied about, I felt like I was in the spin cycle way too long and couldn’t see straight. The lies are endless, but the additional layer I can’t understand is that he knows he will be found out. I also wouldn’t even be upset about many things had he just been transparent. I feel like he is sabotaging our marriage. Because I am now aware that this is a form of emotional abuse, I plan on confronting him about this in our next consulting session. If you have any professional advice, I would be open to hearing it. Thank you.
You realize, hopefully, that by writing me when you are already seeing a therapist puts you in a lose-lose position? If I said something brilliant that you could take back with you that your counselor hadn’t thought of, the likelihood is great that he/she will say “Oh, you’re listening to some crank on the internet??” Yes, it is good to be well-informed, but in a counseling relationship, you need to totally respect and trust that therapist. Her/his ego will be injured if you come up with something he should have thought of but didn’t.
That said, I will give you some feedback anyway. The lying and the depression have the same root: A lack of self-love. A person who doesn’t believe in himself is depressed and lies to cover it all up. The person he is covering up for is more himself than you. Clearly, he needs personal 1:1 therapy with an expert in depression. This will be more helpful to him than medication although he may temporarily benefit from that too. That is because his thoughts and attitudes will not change from medication; medication won’t make him like himself.
As for you: you must become stronger within yourself. You must love yourself enough to not have your head spin when he starts in. You should learn how to be Assertive. You should be able to stop him right away when he starts the blame game and say, “We’ll talk about me later. Right now, the only topic on the table is you.” And repeat that as often as needed in that conversation. Your counseling should focus on how you came to accept such a person into your life, how you came to make excuses for so long, what future do you want to see for yourself and your son, etc. If you get stronger, and he comes to accept himself and stop the lying, you can then work on marriage therapy.
It’s not your role to hold up your counsellors false ego!
After a very long thanksgiving week i consulted a friend about my husband and she suggested i look up gaslighting. This brought me to this page.
As a quick background I have 3 boys whom I take to school , pick up and take to all activities, ensure they go to doctor and dentist appointments, homework is done, i go on field trips and I get school supplies and manage every aspect of their lives. When they were babies my husband did not get up during the night with any of them and i felt very alone in the process of raising them. He was there but didn’t ever do much to help. We have a family farm in which they go hunting and every year since the first one was old enough they go and i stay home with the youngest child. Whomever that might be at the time. It’s generally one of my favorite times because i get a little time to myself as one child compared to 3 and a husband is a vacation. This past week my husband was at the farm with my 15 year old on Tuesday night, on Wednesday night he had the 15 year old, my 12 year old, and my 15 year old nephew. He offered to do this and gave the reasoning that he was the only one that would take them hunting. Which is the case as my brother doesn’t hunt. On Thursday they came in for thanksgiving dinner at my moms house and afterwards we went by our house to gather some clothes and as they were leaving he complained about how tired he was and how he’s the only one that took them and i suggested they not go. I told him if he was going to complain so much that maybe he should tell them they couldn’t go. He responded with telling me to “get the F out.” He used the whole word and yelled it. The kids were already in the car and didn’t hear this. On Friday he insisted I bring down the 9 year old because he needed to start liking the farm. The 9 year old is usually always with me. I told him the 9 year old didn’t want to go. After we got off the phone i spoke with my child and convinced him to go. My mom offered to take him as i was waiting on our Christmas tree being delivered. I didn’t call back my husband but when my mom arrived at the farm with the 9 year old he called to tell me that it messed them up becuase they were about to go get lunch and he didn’t have room in his truck for all 4 kids. He ended up staying there until today. He had all 3 or my children there Friday- Sunday and my nephew until Saturday morning. I had a friend come in town and had she not I’m sure i would have also stayed at the farm but since my friend was here i went to dinner, shopped and enjoyed my friend and was excited because i had an excuse to do some girl things. This morning (Sunday) i picked up food and headed down to see the boys and bring food. After i arrived my husband told me it was the worst thanksgiving he had ever had and that I don’t help him with the kids. That there are things at the farm that i could do with them. I was and am flabbergasted. I do almost everything for them other than take them hunting and fishing. I really don’t want to do that. He thinks i need to be down there with them and help. He also thinks since i don’t work that i never have anything to complain about and when he asks me what I’m doing that day he almost always belittles it or acts like it’s not something that has to be done. I’m sorry i know this is long. I’m really in need of some advice. Thank you
It sounds like there’s a lot of complaints inside your husband’s head that you never knew about. That’s why when he said that you don’t help, you were flabbergasted. It’s like he’s bent reality. But to him, from his perspective, he has some gripes. I don’t know why that would be as I don’t hear his side. None of that, of course, means he has the right to put you down, even if it were using clean language. Put downs are wrong, period. I would suggest couples counseling (which I do on video conferencing) so you get to hear his side. Then, hopefully, with an intelligent counselor, you will have the opportunity to understand whether his complaints have any real basis or not.
I have been with my daughters father for over two years and after our most recent argument I looked up gaslighting. I feel both relieved and overwhelmed because for a very long time I have felt like I was losing my mind. I remember events happening one way and he tells me certain things did not happen or were not said and I questioned myself. Whenever I bring things that bother or hurt me to his attention, I ultimately end up apologizing, even when I know I’ve done nothing wrong because I don’t want to be treated badly by him. Just recently we went on a trip to Atlanta for his birthday (I paid for the trip as his gift) and our last night there he got extremely drunk, to the point where we were going to miss our 6am flight. I called my mother and a few other family members to see if they could stay with our daughter as we would be missing our flight and had no one to care for her. After being pushed into a table and verbally attacked by him after trying for hours to sober him up to make our flight, I decided to leave to get back home to make sure our daughter was taken care of. Weeks later he still faults me for leaving him, even though I did all I could to get him sober and had no choice because of our child. I am always to blame for anything that goes wrong and I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind!
Little kids are taught (by good parents) to take responsibility. If they got a bad mark in school and they want to blame the teacher for a “hard test,” the good parent says, “Listen, I know you’re a smart boy. And let’s face it, you didn’t study very hard. You need to take responsibility.” Done. It sounds like something along those lines never happened to your husband. Maybe he even had a little brother he could blame for things that went wrong. In any case, it looks to me like he doesn’t see any of that. Telling him and arguing won’t help as he doesn’t have a frame of reference to understand it. Get him into therapy, fast!
My sister and her boyfriend live with my mother as do i. I dog sit my brothers dog at the house, the dog is considered a family member, but the boyfriend doesn’t like the dog much. A while back i found a box of poop in the hallway downstairs. I asked who left it and everyone acted surprised and laughed. I recently found poop again at the bottom of the stairs. No box but old and dried up. I knew it wasn’t from that day because i had the dog with me and he had no access to that spot. I told them if they had a problem they could just tell me, that I’d rather not deal with passive agressive crap. This is one example there are many like this.. My father used to gaslight my mother so I know what it is and i know not to trust people like that. But can’t tell if they are gaslighting as a team. I feel like they are as they have individually done it to me seperately in the past. Is that possible? Are there cases of this?
Here’s my question to you: If your sister’s bf is doing this, then he does not know how to treat your sister any better — so how is she doing? I would expect she is ALSO being abused. It could ALSO be that in addition to him abusing her, she has decided to “take his side” against you, not because she wants to be an abuser, but because she honestly doesn’t know what abuse is and would rather feel “connected” to him. I would want to have a heart-to-heart talk w her and see what her state of mind is, see if she needs help.
So I’m happy to find out their is an actual name for what I’m going through, finally sought help from a counselor and she told me I was being gaslighted, after reading the above, I know it’s true. I’ve been beaten down so far I don’t recognize myself anymore. Here’s a good example for you all
So I start talking about my job as a hospice nurse and all of the bs in the medical field etc and how I feel chemo and radiation can be more harmful than good so just venting to my spouse about the frustration in my job, I mentioned the dangers of Prilosec and doctors giving meds as bandaids instead of finding the underlying cause of the problem. I reassured him several times that i was using Prilosec as an example of what I was saying and that it had nothing to do with him as he takes Prilosec and I have warned him about it in the past, I leave to go to the bathroom and when I come back he has turned all lights and tv off, locked doors and gone upstairs. I go up and ask wtf happened and his response was now you want to come up here and attack me some more
When I tried to explain that I was hurt and didn’t understand why he didn’t just say he didn’t want to hear anymore right now, I was cut off and he put his headphones on like a child, when I grabbed them
Out of his ear he said I assaulted him, he never says sorry for anything, blames me for everything and calls me crazy constantly, I’m so glad for the help i am seeking to get back to me, any experiences or help you can offer let me know, and keep praying
We can only control ourselves
But part of controlling ourselves is not to get back at him. He’s acting this way because he has his own baggage — don’t be part of it! Don’t explain yourself to a person who is too upset to process it. Don’t argue, don’t fight. It just escalates.
Hi ….
My brain feels like it is about to burst !! I am sure I am on the receiving end of severe gas lighting but i am so deep in it i can’t see things clearly .
What if i am wrong and I give up on a really good man?? What if i am crazy,paranoid and needy ?? What if other women aren’t like me ??
The other night my brain was so much in a tiz I just wanted for it to stop ..stop thinking ..stop hurting he got me in such a muddle i felt like i was going mad ..
He is so level headed ,emotionless i was literally sobbing and he just looks at me as if i am crazy .
His chosen use of abuse is trying to make me feel jealous ..he teases me and then says i am over sensitive ..brings me to tears and says i am over sensitive !!
I feel like i don’t recognise myself anymore ,away from the relationship I am a manager ..a single mum maintaining my own house, lots of close friends and i am sure i am a nice person .
I am in such a pickle and beginning to feel scared for my own sanity .
Read my book! There’s a whole chapter in it about this dumb accusation “You’re hypersensitive.” Tell him, “I’m normal. I have feelings! People without empathy are the ones who need help.” Done.
I have had a friend, I went to grade school and high school with, She has done gas lighting on me, I am a very sensitive person, I do have empathy , She has wrecked my life made people think I am crazy, and I can’t say anything to anyone , I still talk to her, they would not believe me, She has turned my sister – i n- law against me, I f I tell her I met my daughter boyfriends mom she gets jealous, I haveblocked her from my phone only to unblock , her mom was dying, She has been real nice for about a year now she is starting with her sociapathic ways, I don’t know what to do anymore,any advice would be appreciated,
It is clear what you are missing is enough sense of Self to separate from this person. Work on your self love.
My husband will not respond to me when I say something he doesn’t like. I am just trying to get my needs met and to have open communication in this marriage. He will “no response” me and if I push him to communicate, he’ll tell me I’m nagging or restricting him in some way. I feel unheard, unaccepted and unloved. Do you think that this no responsing is a form of gaslighting? He definitely has the background of the messed up childhood (where his father no responsed him).
Hi there!
This is so frequent, it’s incredible. You want to talk and explain what your needs and instead, the hubby feels hurt that you are dissatisfied. So frustrating. But it’s not coming from a place of being mean. It’s coming from – as you say – his dysfunctional childhood. He is truly hurting. He thinks in his heart, he’s a no-good sob. He won’t admit that, of course. So what do you do?
Here’s my suggestion: Attend my masterclass together and see if you BOTH think it makes sense to actually talk to me about this. Because I am so used to this problem, I have answers all mapped out. But for you both to see that I could possibly help, please register and attend: https://drdeb.com/marriage-you-want
My husband does what I️ call “no response”. I️ I️ say anything he doesn’t like or deems “nagging” he just won’t respond. Do you think this is a form of gaslighting? I️ definitely feel that his no responsing cuts me down and doesn’t let me communicate my needs and wants . Thanks.
Hi Mindy
Your question sounds exactly like someone else who just wrote the day before. So I will say the same thing: Attend my masterclass together and see if you BOTH think it makes sense to actually talk to me about this. Because I am so used to this problem, I have answers all mapped out. But for you both to see that I could possibly help, please register and attend: https://drdeb.com/marriage-you-want
They cut you down, not because they are mean, but that is all they’re used to from their childhood growing up. You’ll see this theme in the class.
Interestingly my sister and I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. She gaslights about almost everything. She has struck me (as adults) and then claimed I struck her. It’s difficult because we are two years apart, middle aged, and exact opposites from the same environment. I feel that someone should study us! Gaslighting from a sibling is very tough bc you think you’ve perhaps not remembered things correctly. But I have, and have proof, and can never convince her otherwise.
Well last night I sent my husband the definition of gaslighting and he actually realized hes been doing it for a long time. But I’ve tried some of these tips to protect myself from it but its truly hard because no matter what progress we make he always goes back to doing it :/ I already have an anxiety disorder and social problems (which creates their own problems) which my husband doesn’t understand and he gets angry and calls me a baby and I’m crazy for crying at “things that dont matter”. Lately I’ve just cried at what he tells me about myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. Its upsetting that my husband would say anything mean to me if I believe it or not. I don’t think I’m a baby I actually think I’m really strong for being able to deal with a lot of this emotional abuse and not go crazy and still believe I’m a strong woman despite my belittling husband.
Amanda, you are right, your husband is belittling and abusive. However, what’s really important to me is that he admitted it. That means he sees that it is wrong. The problem is clearly that he does not have the TOOLS to change. I’d like you to go to the menu of this website WITH HIM and click the Marriage You Want Masterclass. Sign up to watch it together and see what he says.
I have the same issues with my husband. We will be arguing about something and he will be attacking me about not making dinner or something else and then won’t let me get a word in. It’s so frustrating that I just explode and then he calls me crazy. He even says “everyone knows you’re crazy, even your own family. You need help.” I just made a doctors appointment to see if I can get therapy but I don’t know if I really am the crazy one. I always tell him that he makes me crazy. He is also an alchoholic. Sometimes I think both of us have our own issues and we just don’t communicate in a healthy way at all.
Chelsea, I strongly advise you to watch my Masterclass – exactly on this topic. The link is: https://drdeb.com/myw-masterclass.
My best