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Verbal Abuse & Name Calling Are No Big Deal, Or Are They?
Here are some questions you might ask:
What's wrong with verbal abuse, specifically, name calling?
Why can't people just take a joke anyway?
And here's another question, Dr. Smarty: If I'm mad at someone, shouldn't I be able to express my feelings so that she/he knows they did something wrong?
Good questions. Let's look at each of them twice, once for marriage and once for parents.
What's wrong with verbal abuse, specifically, name calling?
In a marriage, you are supposed to be equal partners. Right? Ok, now follow my thought: The person who pins a label on another person is the one with the power.
That is the reason why, as a marriage counselor, I do not believe in giving people a diagnosis--It, too, is a process of labeling people which gives me unfair power and I don't need it to help people. As a therapist, I actually am placing judgment on people when I label them with a diagnosis. It's as if I said to myself that I am perfectly sane and they are crazy. No wonder people are shy about seeing a therapist. And that's a shame, but the psychiatrists and psychologists caused this problem. (For more about this, see my journal article about non-normative therapy)
The same is true in relationships. As soon as I call you something, I have given myself power and taken it away from you. That's why name-calling is a form of verbal abuse. Marriages are not supposed to be power struggles. In fact, if I call you anything except something you would agree with or a compliment, it's verbal abuse. So, for example, let's say you were the president of a small company, and your spouse called you "Bill Gates," that would be abuse. It's not only factually incorrect (unless you were Bill Gates), but it does not respect what you actually do. It's as if your own true love was saying, "Anything less than being Bill Gates is no good." It's sarcastic; it's a put-down. In short, it's verbal abuse.
There's also a pragmatic reason not to do it. Do you really want your wife/husband to hate you? Of course not. (See what John Gottman said about that. He did years of research on just this sort of verbal abuse.) Do you really want one more war? Of course not. Do you like being called names? Of course not. So obviously, it's not a good tactic.
You can read what is written above and logically argue with me that a parent is superior to a child and can pass judgment and therefore should be able to call a child names.
Sorry, it doesn't follow. It's verbal abuse. Yes, a parent is superior to a child. Yes, parents do make judgments. They have to. For example, "No, Mikey, you're not ready for the two-wheeler" (or to the teenager, "...for your driver's test").
That does not mean you can therefore call a child names. Superior positions demand handling them responsibly.
Responsibility means thinking through to the outcome of your actions. A parent, like a boss, has a job to get done. The boss has a product or service to produce and the parent is no different. The parent's job is to teach a child how to fit into our society, find a place for him/herself, succeed in it, get along, and be happy. Right? Plain and simple, that's what the parent has to do.
The main word in that paragraph above is "teach." The parent is a teacher. Obviously, to do that a parent has to make judgments. But where does name-calling come in? When the child hears himself/herself called a name, that child actually learns that that is what he/she is. Whether you like it or not, as a parent, you are teaching every single minute.
So when you call your child an "idiot," the child learns, "I am an idiot." At that moment, all other doors close for that child. The door to success slams shut. The door to happiness slams shut. The door to loving or even liking himself or herself slams shut. The door to being smart, capable, talented, slams shut. You, the parent, shut it. You taught your child that he IS an idiot.
You want to rethink your language, now? Ok, you're saying, so what do I do when my kid needs a kick in the pants but I don't want to be abusive? Good question. Go to my articles on discipline, consequences, leniency, or browse the book page for some reading ideas, such as John Rosemond and John Gottman.
Here's another question on verbal abuse, specifically, name calling, both for spouses and parents: Why can't people just take a joke, anyway?
Ok, ok, Dr. Deb, I hear you saying, I did NOT mean all those things. Of course I love my wife and I don't want her to think I'm trying to make her feel bad, but I didn't mean to be verbally abusive! It was just a joke. I mean, she was pretty clumsy that time she dropped the dinner. It was just a little harmless joke.
In reply, let me ask you a question: Where do you draw the line? When you see the story on the news of the car accident in which someone got hurt, is it funny? How about if they died?
Oh, THAT'S where you draw the line. I see. It's only funny if it's a little thing, not a life and death matter. You might be right. So let me help you out with another question: Where does your wife/husband draw that line? The one who was the target of your "humor"?
See, if your marriage partner thought it was funny, then you are right--it's funny. If not, then honey-babe, you lacked compassion, that ability to feel for another person. You were miles apart. The idea in a marriage is to be on the same page. It's a step beyond not passing judgment. It's about being in the same ballpark. Remember the reason why you got married? It was for sharing, right?
I can hear you grumbling, but why does she/he have to dictate if its funny or not? Why do I lose the power?
Excellent question. And the answer is simple: You should never have the power to hurt someone. Remember, by definition, verbal abuse hurts. If she doesn't think its funny, then you're being hurtful--and putting yourself out of the ballpark in the relationship. Listen, it is really ok to let what her mood would be dictate what you'll say. Trust me. Because the next time the tables are turned and she is tempted to call you a name, she won't because you've been decent to her.
Children don't--can't--see the world through our perspective. We're from a different generation, a different era. We have more life experience, more education (when they're still getting their schooling, usually), more years. And because they are in a lower position to our higher authority, they are vulnerable. Whatever our actions, good and bad, they are magnified. A little dig on our part can feel like a knife jab to them. So we have to be very careful; our joke can be their shame. And you really don't want to do that. When that happens, it's no joke; it's verbal abuse.
Here's another verbal abuse/name calling question: If I'm mad at someone, shouldn't I be able to express my feelings so that she/he knows they did something wrong?
Absolutely, you should. The question is, how? And another question I'd ask you is: How is name calling an expression of your feelings anyway? You call your husband an S.O.B, let's say. What are the feelings there? Maybe you need a lesson on what feelings are. Do this exercise: Complete the sentence, "I feel...." using only one word. Feelings are one word. Like "angry," "depressed," "bad," and so on.
You see, name calling is NOT an expression of feelings. The feeling behind the name calling moment may be anger and it may be understood by your listener from your tone of voice, but you never did express your feeling in plain English, like "I am angry at you." Now, that's an expression of feelings. Besides, even being honestly angry has big-time draw-backs. (See my article on anger to know how to handle it constructively.)
So what is name calling if it's not an expression of feelings? Plain and simple, it's an attack on the other person. And what happens when one person attacks another? A number of possibilities, all bad.
- they could start to hate you
they attack back sometimes
they want to get away from the pain you dish out
they don't feel like being in a relationship with you
you've lost your best friend
Name calling is like put-downs in that they destroy the listener's soul, the speaker's soul, and the relationship that they once had, like any other form of verbal abuse.
With children, not only is it true that name calling is not a valid expression of feelings, but even if it were, it's not necessarily true that you ought to be able to express your feelings anyway. Let's look at some examples. Suppose your child is physically handicapped and struggling with a physical therapist to learn to walk. If the child falls and you feel frustrated, would it be in his best interest for you to call him "clumsy" because you're frustrated? No. Obviously.
Calling him clumsy is not an expression of your frustration. It's just a put-down. But you shouldn't express that frustration anyway. You would be best keeping your frustration to yourself. Now suppose he wasn't handicapped, but seems to be a clumsy child anyway. Remember, a parent's job is to be a teacher. If you call him "clumsy," are you teaching him not to be? No.
So you're neither teaching him how he should be nor are you really expressing your feelings. What are you doing? One or more of:
- making him feel bad about himself
making him resent you
making him spend his life trying to please you--and never succeeding
making him think that he can never be graceful, skillful, accomplished, etc.
setting him up for a bad marriage because he only knows screwed-up relationships
one last question, Dr. Deb: Haven't you been putting your reader down in these paragraphs?
Yes, and I'm sorry. Your perceptiveness is so good. I'm truly sorry if I hurt your feelings and that you did not take it as a joke. I am so glad you caught it. That is truly excellent. I would not want to hurt you for anything in the world. Enough people have done that already, I'd guess. It's hard to make a point when you can't meet face to face. I wanted to give you a little flavor of why name calling is no good. The best teaching is not only intellectual but emotional. I wanted you to think it, know it, and feel it. So know now that I didn't mean any implied or stated put-downs.
You may be in trouble if you did not feel bad. Go back and find the name calling. Allow yourself to feel bad. Then know that I did not mean it and allow yourself to feel all right. It's so important to be able to do that.