5 Sets of Marriage Tips from Around The Web

Hey, don’t just take my word for it! Let’s see what my colleagues around the web are advising you on the topic “marriage tips.”     1. Marriage Max http://www.marriagemax.com/tip.asp Mort Fertel is not a marriage counselor — and he’s proud of it. He considers himself an alternative because he doesn’t care for the advice that counselors give to unhappy individuals that encourages the breakup of their marriage. I don’t blame him. His point is right on target. What’s more, his advice is sound. His tips change from time to time so you may not find the same one that I found. But the one I found asks the question: If you’re sick and tired of your spouse’s cheating, drinking, neglect, using drugs, or some other terrible habit, should you declare an ultimatum? Fertel says “No” because it won’t help. It will just cause you to feel a momentary feeling of power. What you have not done is give your spouse a reason to care about your ultimatum. What he (or she) will care about, however, is if you are connected to him. This presents its own problem because if he is disconnected from you, chances are you don’t have better tools than he does to be connected. You both found someone like yourselves –who is disconnected. Just to put in my own 2 cents, the above scenario is certainly possible. Others are also possible. It can be that in the beginning, one person is a connector and is attracted to another because she (let’s say) admires that ability in the other to be able to be alone. The...

One Surprising Reason People Don’t Apologize

Kerry got into it with his brother-in-law again. Somehow this happened with some, almost predictable, regularity about twice a year. Each time was painful for them and for the witnesses. Yet, it seemed doomed to repeat itself. And in that horrible cycle, Kerry would not apologize. Why not? It started innocently enough. Chuck was looking at the news headlines when he opened his email. “Boy,” he said, “there go the American apologists again. Why won’t they just be proud of who they are? Why are we always afraid to speak up? Why can’t we take some strong steps with people who put us down?” Kerry, his brother-in-law, happened to be passing through the kitchen at that moment. He and his wife, Penny, were visiting for a few days and Kerry came with suitcases full of opinions. “What gives you the right to spill American blood?” he retorted, his face growing red. “What do you want to do, inflame them more? Why, you’re just a murderer!” How Other People Perceive Our “Passion” About An Idea Chuck was shocked although he shouldn’t have been. This was Kerry’s modus operandi: If he disagreed with an opinion that someone expressed, he felt duty-bound to express his disagreement in the strongest possible terms. He always believed that strong terms got the message across. Chuck was offended. More than offended, he was perplexed. How in the world could his own wishing for fairness and truth in the media and in the eyes of the government rather than placating people ready to throw bombs at a moment’s notice be the equivalent of murder? It made no...

The Silver Lining In Your (Bad) Marriage

Let’s call this topic “spiritual.” It’s part of the marriage and family counseling process and there is no way to get away from it. Sometimes silver linings are so big they cover the whole cloud. In order for your marriage to work, it helps to see that Life has meaning and that there is a way to make meaning out of yours. Furthermore, the awful experiences we go through have a good side to them. In some wild and weird kind of way they enrich us. Maybe they teach us a lesson that we absolutely needed to learn. Maybe they develop a part of our character that needed bolstering. Here is a story that made the hair stand up on the back of my head. I heard it from the source myself many years ago. I was attending a Bar Mitzvah and the boy’s grandfather stood up to speak. He was from Russia. As a Jew during the outbreak of World War II, he was trying to evade the Russian army. He was afraid of experiencing anti-semitism if he were to be conscripted. Sure enough, he was caught and sent to Siberia. There, he was made to go without warm clothing or adequate food. He was mistreated and wondered if he would ever get out. His years there were a blessing as we learned that day at the Bar Mitzvah. You see, he did get out, and when he made his way home, he learned that his entire family had been annihilated by the Nazis. He alone survived. Eventually, he was able to leave Russia; he made his way...

A Key to Creating Intimacy in Your Marriage

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION OF the Florida Jewish News You check off the mental list: You’ve never been abusive. You remember anniversaries, birthdays. True, you never seem to get the right gift, but you’re head and shoulders above the poor sucker who forgot all together. You do your share of household chores. True, you don’t have the perfect answer for a crying child all the time, but your kids love you and you’re a good parent. You work hard for a living. You don’t have any vices at all, no cheating, smoking, drinking, drugging: Mr. Squeaky-Clean. You don’t even flirt with people in the elevator, for crying out loud. How squeaky-clean is that! So, what on Earth is bothering your wife? Why has she told me she’s so unhappy? Why? Why? If You Don’t Know What You Did, Then That’s The Problem The fact that you’re asking the question is a big clue as to what the problem is. I’ll bet you good money that your wife told you why in good, plain English a thousand times. And it did what things she says usually do: Went in one ear and out the other.   Statistics show that marriages in which a couple are “like two ships passing in the night” are a no-go. There’s got to be more than the absence of abuse or a bare-bones gesture on Mother’s Day and the like to make a marriage something someone would want to stay in. A marriage is not defined by the absence of problems; it should be defined by the presence of magic. And magic is easy. Ask any...

Why Cheating Is Not The Solution To A Bad Marriage

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION from the Florida Jewish News She sat there in a puddle of tears and justifiably so. She had had a very hard life, married to a man who mistreated her. Now, at last she was on the brink of freedom as he lay in the hospital in a coma from an unexpected and hard-hitting accident. One of her three small children clutched her knees and another had entangled her arm in her mother’s, clasping her hand tightly. The older one sullenly sat in a corner of the sofa, his arms tightly crossed while he stared out the window.   She was sick of the life she had been leading, and the frequent trips to the mall for the latest baubles for herself and the kids gave only temporary respite to her nearly-constant pain. Rosie was such a nice person; surely she deserved better. “Is it possible,” I asked her, “that your husband will come out of this?”   “The doctors say it’s 50-50.”   “Mmm,” I said. “That’s interesting. Maybe Nate is supposed to come out of this and maybe this brush with death is supposed to teach him how to put things—and people—into proper perspective. Maybe he will be able to grow from this experience.”   “Nah,” she replied firmly, “He’s not capable of learning anything.”   “Everyone is capable of learning from their mistakes,” I answered, with equal firmness.   “Not this man. I know him only too well, unfortunately. He thinks he knows everything. Nothing, absolutely nothing, has ever made him reflect on himself or his behavior.”   When Someone Will Not Look...
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